The Bandwagon-letters: Volume 1 of “who-knows-how-many?”

I have decided to jump right onto the bandwagon. I mean, there are literally thousands of blog-posts out there on the exact same thing that I will be writing about in this post (and some others to follow). I figured if there are already so many, one more couldn’t hurt. So herewith then my honest opinion, (like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I am quite the opinionated person) about being a 30-somethings single female.

“An open letter from a Single Woman to a Single Man,” (because an open letter is the way to change the world these days…right?)

(Guys, chill! The single woman to single woman convo is coming, just you wait…)

Well, hello there!

By this time I have made very sure whether you are wearing a wedding ring or not. I know you’re not. That means you have been put into my “option box.” Believe me, the older I get, the less men are in that box so please, do not “friends zone” me by judging the fact that I don’t wear the type of shoes you like on a girl. The same way I won’t “friends zone” you by judging you on the fact that you are not wearing a belt. I won’t tell you (yet) what my grandpa said about men who don’t wear belts so maybe you should look past the shoes. If you do that, you might find out about the belt (or rather, the lack thereof) sooner or later. Besides, I have enough friends. I don’t need friends. I need a husband.

Here’s what I want to tell you, and hear me out because I promise this will be good for you in the long run.

Eat Some Cement.

Just harden up and take a risk. I don’t need you to know that you want to marry me before we’ve spoken a word to each other. What I need is that you will be brave and approach me first. You are a man. You are built to hunt. You will not always shoot a trophy-Kudu but if you don’t try, you’ll never shoot one. If you have a desire to marry, let God help you to be brave. Be teachable at all times. And seek your counsel wisely. Someone older. Someone who has done this before and is happily married. Your co-single cool-dude friends’ opinions don’t really matter in this case.

Commit to Finding a Wife.

Do not approach me unless you are committed to finding a wife. If you are committed to finding a wife, the Lord will be committed to letting you find her, whether it be me or the next girl you approach. It is a beautiful thing and shouldn’t be made too complicated. But it will start by you actually being serious about it. If you are still wondering if you want to get married or you are testing the waters, do not try to charm me. Just stay away. I will, from my side, not accept invitations if I am not ready to do so because I will not waste your time. Don’t waste mine.

Know that you want to know me.

Please don’t bombard me into spending time with you alone. I have rushed into relationships and I have gotten my heart broken by guys who came crashing down my walls on a “white stallion” (a mountain bike, a skateboard and even a cruise ship once…), promised me the moon and the stars, gave me a glimpse of it and then packed it all up and left. I don’t need that kind of drama. If you are going to get to know me, be sure that you want to get to know me. Don’t WhatsApp and chat constantly one day and then disappear the following and then say that I am intense if I’m wondering why you haven’t talked to me all day. That is so confusing and really not fair. I don’t need confusion and honestly, you don’t need me to be confused either because then the straight up questions are bound to be asked and you’ll have to answer them which normally entails a whole lot of awkward. The ball is always in your court at this stage. Remember that.

Once you’ve made a decision, make an effort and communicate like a grown-up.

I don’t want to put pressure on you but let’s face it – we are not getting any younger. I don’t have the time or the energy to waste on someone who can’t, for the life of him, decide what he wants.  Once you know me better, decide whether you like what you see or you don’t. Do that as soon as possible and be honest about it. I don’t need to hear why you don’t think that this is going anywhere (seriously, I don’t.) I just need to know where I stand.  I deserve to know and you deserve to be able to get out of this the moment you don’t feel like “getting to know me” is actually blessing you. Quite frankly; I don’t think it is okay for you to learn who I truly am when you have no desire to really know. It’s fine. We’ve only gone on three dates. I’ll be okay. Just decide already.

Never…I repeat…NEVER talk about a future together if you are not willing to see it through.

I am a woman. I react to whatever you are giving me to react on. Think about this. I respond to how you treat me and I trust you to treat me like you would want your sister to be treated. Why would I, then, not believe you and get excited about it when you speak about going away together, about meeting my siblings, about seeing where I grew up and teaching me to surf…or ski…or whatever it is that you do that I can’t. The moment you imply to do these things, my nature is to start dreaming.  Please take this into consideration before uttering anything like this and by doing so, supplying building material for castles in the sky.

Respect my boundaries and have grace with my shortcomings.

This might be the first time that I am opening my heart to someone or maybe it is the first time in a very long time that I like someone. Respect my boundaries and the odd wall that I’ve built here and there. Don’t try to break them down before you make an effort to find out why they were built in the first place. Previous experiences have shaped me into the person that I am today. I don’t find my identity in them, but they are part of my testimony. I am just a human being. I was saved by Grace. I have made mistakes and I have been hurt and some things can only be addressed when you are in a relationship just as some things can only be addressed when you are single. Let’s both take care of the latter before we enter into a relationship, okay? We will have plenty to work through together once we have made a commitment to “go steady.” (Is that even a thing anymore?)

Take the lead. Always and in every situation.

For the past, say 13, years I have been ordering my own meals. I sorted out my own seat at a restaurant, drove myself everywhere, changed my car tyres, changed my own light bulbs, changed my own wiper blades, filled up the water tank and checked the oil, bought my own drinks and fixed my own garage door. Whether you might like it or not – I want you to do these things for me. I want you to show me that you can take the lead in every situation because if this escalates into something more serious, you will have to take the lead in the more serious things like budgets and prayers and I need to know if you would be able to do that. Take control when we enter a restaurant…even when we are in a group. Just take the lead. Men are very quick to say that women don’t let them lead. That we are macho and we make them feel incompetent. Well…if you are not leading from the get go, our nature is to make sure things happen. So if you have ever felt incompetent, it is because you didn’t show us that you are actually competent. Harsh? No. Truth.

The pressure is even higher when you are dating a woman who has a great relationship with her father. I don’t think, to this day, that I have ever heard my mom order her own food (I’m not saying she can’t choose what she wants to have for dinner!) or that she’s ever poured her own drink. It makes us feel special, safe, cared for and wanted. And it is the right thing to do. Even when we are just friends.

It takes two…

We are both at risk here. The thing with godly men is that you are so scared of making the wrong decision. I don’t really know if that is noble or selfish. The Lord is on both our sides so whether this turns out great or not-so-great, He is in it and He is enough. Don’t think that you have the power and ability to ruin my life. And yes, I am scared too but if I said yes to your invitation, I am willing to take the risk. Are you?

Wear a belt.

Just trust me on this…

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